Have you ever been at the grocery store or the mall or anywhere and saw someone you knew but felt so overwhelmed by your life or circumstances you quickly ducked or walked away? The desire is not to be seen so you would not have to talk about your life… or theirs. Sooo hoping that I am not the only one in this category. How many times have I seen someone in public who could have used an encouraging word or even just a smile but I was so consumed with myself and my issues that I turned and went the other way? Too many to count. To be fair when life is continually kicking you in the face you get to a point where you don’t know what to say to others and you are terrified about the questions they are going to ask you. I am not great at being evasive and I have little to no ability to tell someone everything is going fine when it’s not. I have discovered that I have a two question limit. I can beat around the bush for two questions but once the third pressing question comes around I run out of pleasantries and the truth gets vomited all over the asker.

When I was going through chemo and had no hair my mom had gotten me this great wig. This wig is so great that people stopped me everywhere I went telling me how great my hair looked. I’m not kidding I won more attention wearing that wig than I have ever received in my whole life. (I am wearing the wig in my blog photo) But here’s the deal, no one ever stopped at saying, “I love your hair!” They kept going… “No seriously, I love your hair!” “Where do you get it done?” “How do you make it look so great?” In the beginning, when I still wasn’t feeling great I would say thank you a few times. By the third question, however, I would just tell them that I had cancer and it was a wig. A smarter person could have kept the charade going and relished in all the compliments. But the reality is I am just not that smart and I had no energy to fake it beyond a few questions. When I was feeling better and a bit more like myself, at the third question I would just take the wig off and tell them for $200 they could go buy themselves the same hair. Nice, huh? You can imagine how uncomfortable people felt and the blank stares I received after these encounters.

The other night Mr. Wonderful and I ran into some old friends, Tim and Jessica, in Eugene. We were in town because I had developed an infection from my most recent surgery and I was getting it checked. When we began chatting with our friends (Tim’s a pastor and I used to work for him) he began asking me how I was doing, I said fine. He said, “No really,  how are you doing? I smiled and said, “I’m good!” He then looked at me and said, “The look you are giving me says, stop asking me questions, I don’t want to talk about it.” It was then that I blurted out, “Well I have an infection and the Dr. is worried about it, but it’s Christmas and we are going to grab a drink and go watch a movie and pretend that everything is fine.” Tim laughed and said, “That’s what everyone does at Christmas!” (ps. the infection cleared after antibiotics (-: ) The restaurant was crowded,  Tim and Jessica would have never known I was there had I not walked up to their table. But I made the effort, made it through the awkward moment and ended up having a good laugh.

I am reading a book by Michele Cushatt, called I Am, A 60 Day Journey To Knowing Who You Are Because Of Who He Is, in it, she points out that Jesus never shied away from the hurting or the afflicted. He never thought to himself that their burdens were too big to add to his own. Instead, he came over for dinner and spent a significant amount of time with the lost and the lonely and brought peace and restoration to their lives.

The same is true for you,  you know. Regardless of your bruised and battered soul, Jesus welcomes you without condition.

Come.

Are you weary? Weighed down by  your life’s story? Overwhelmed by unknowns? Come. We’ll carry it together.

This world is not an easy one to weather. We will not always be able to carry another’s burdens along with our own. But when we find our rest in Jesus first, we’ll have far more strength to welcome the Dianes (friends) we meet like He does.

I’m glad I did not shy away from saying hello to Tim and Jessica. They are much better at holding life’s challenges closer to the vest than I am but it was great to laugh with some old friends in the middle of a room full of strangers on a hard day.

Step out and say hello to fellow weary travelers that you see in the grocery store. It’s hard but in the end, both of you will feel a little less alone.

Have a great day my friends!

The kids and I at the “wax museum”

I am going to put as positive a spin on this as I can and just say that life is sure adventurous. There is an old saying that goes something like …

You are either in the midst of a problem, coming out of a problem or heading into a problem.

I can with all certainty say that there are a lot of people in this world that suffer far worse than me. But I can also say that since 2011 there has been a constant barrage of pain, grief, strife and heartache in my life and as we wage the newest battle (well, its actually been going on for quite some time but I let it fade to the background during cancer) I find myself questioning if all the tears that I am shedding mean that I am not trusting.

God has a plan, a plan for good and deep within my soul I know this. It’s on the surface where I fall apart. When the waves start rolling and crashing down on me, I kind of freak out. I am going through a bible study called Unglued by Lysa Terkhurst with some of my girlfriends. That 1st week I had yelled at my son a few times so I thought to myself “this study is going to teach me to control myself in regards to my emotional outbursts in parenting and wifing.” (I know wifing is not a word but I was having this conversation with myself in my head.) It’s an area where I need work so it just fit. The second 2nd week into the study I realized that God wasn’t challenging me on my emotional outbursts in regards to my family but in regards to Him.

This first section is centered on the story of Joshua and the city of Jericho. Joshua and his army were to take the city. Conquer it. One problem. No weapons to speak of and the walls surrounding the city of Jericho were at least 30 feet high and well reinforced to protect the city from such an event as this. So what does God tell Joshua to do? He tells him to have the people of Israel march around the outside of the city once a day for 7 days and on the 7th day march around the city 7 times and then shout and blow some horns. Really!? Marching and horn blowing, that’s it? Not only that but as they were headed off to do what they were asked an angel of the Lord appeared to Joshua and Joshua asked him “Whose side are you on?” “Neither One.” … “Take off your sandals for the place where you are standing is holy.” So now not only is Joshua not going to fight but for all practical purposes he is asked to step aside altogether and just march.

Interestingly enough Mr. Wonderful happened to read the same story with our son that same week during their breakfast bible reading time. Coincidence? I think not. I think that we were both being told that it’s time to put the swords down and let God do what he is going to do. We have prayed, we have sought counsel and we have done everything to the best of our ability to seek resolution to this situation. Over the last two weeks God has basicly said, now, let me.

I did it during cancer. I laid there on my couch and let God take care of everything. I couldn’t do anything else, I was physically and mentally incapable of doing anything but stare at the wall. Now that I am healthier I want to pick up that sword and start swinging. I forget that we didn’t go under when I was sick. I forget about the provision that took place. When you are in a zombie like state you don’t really care what is happening around you but when you are coherent you see all the many ways that things can and do go wrong. So you fight and you swing that sword again and again because your afraid that if you stop swinging  you will be defeated. There is a time to fight, don’t get me wrong, but there is also a time to step aside, acknowledge that you have done all that you can, lay down your sword and march around the city.

Do you think that Joshua after his encounter with the angel, marched around the city with slumped shoulders and uncontrollable weeping? I don’t think so. He still had the warrior mindset, he just relinquished control of how he thought the battle should be won. So maybe my tears don’t mean that I am not trusting but rather are a part of the process of letting go and letting God. And who knows maybe Joshua did shed a tear or two but then girded up and moved forward.

So, we’re marching. What about you? What kind of season are you in? In the middle of the battle? Just on the other side? Basking in the glory of a few moments of peace? Or like me, have you been asked to lay down your sword and march?

One of the things that has been nagging at me for the last year or so is how much stuff we have accumulated and how much of it we are not using. When I 1st got sick I thought, Oh wow! I’m gonna have all this down time to finally go through all the closets and cubby holes in this house, scan the thousands of photos I have into the computer and when all this sickness stuff is over I will  have a clean and  organized house! Yeah, not so much. I have definitely made progress however and while there is less clutter than before there is still quite a bit to go.

I have been following a few bloggers that post stuff they are reading. One book kept coming up over and over again and since it goes right in line with what I am attempting to do right now I bought it the other day. The book became popular last year so I am a touch behind the times in sharing this with you now. But since I spent most of last year laying on my couch staring at the wall, I decided to cut myself some slack and own that this is where I am today… pretty much a year behind everyone else, and tell you about a book that was popular last year that I am just now discovering. It’s called the life changing-changing magic of tidying up the Japanese art of decluttering and organizing by Marie Kondo. I am one quarter of the way through it and what has struck me the most is how she connects the feeling of joy with stuff.

I am not a big shopper but I have a lot of stuff. I think somewhere along the line stuff began to equal security. Mr. Wonderful and I didn’t get married until I was 30. (this was sooo not my desire as I had liked him for 4 years … but this is a whole other story.) Anytime previous to this date all of the stuff getting passed down for future generations was getting passed right on by me. My siblings were married and therefore would likely have heirs for which to pass on such things. I wasn’t married nor did I live in the same state as the rest of my family so, no stuff for me.

Boy did that all change after I got married. All the parental units in my life started downsizing and we were dragging uhauls all over the place to pick up stuff that was either sentimental to me or just newer than what we had at home. It turns out that I have a huge sentimental gene in me so pretty much everything was a must have, including all the family photos dating back to the 1800’s. When I got sick everything began to close in on me. I just so desperately wanted all of my spaces to be clean and tidy and uncluttered. I realized that I have storage closets with boxes in them that haven’t been touched in 7.5 years. If I haven’t seen it in 7 years do I really need it?

So this is what Marie says in her book. Go by category beginning with your clothes, pick up each article and look at it, touch it, feel it and ask yourself, “Does this bring me joy?” If the answer is no then you can get rid of it, if  you are having a hard time disposing of it because it was a gift or you have some other sentimental attachment to it then look at it, thank it for bringing  you joy for a season and then let it go. I love this! I love this question of bringing joy because it corresponds to so many different areas of life. What attitudes, thoughts, dreams, ideas, relationships am I holding on to that no longer bring me joy? When you walk through something hard, I don’t care what it is, illness, death of loved ones or tragedies of any kind what really matters to you comes to the surface pretty quickly. For me it’s faith, family, friends, wisdom, growth and expressing myself through the written word. These are the things in life that bring me the most joy so my desire is that anything that creeps into my life that forces me to ignore or walk away from those key areas needs to be discarded.

It is amazing how freeing this is! There is freedom in knowing what brings you joy. I don’t think a year ago I would have had an answer to this question of joy. Life is really hard. I don’t need to tell you how hard or go into details because you already know. Your story is different than mine but you have a story. Interestingly enough not one of the things that I have decided that bring me the most joy in life is a material possession. Don’t get  me wrong I love a new pair of shoes but they are not what bring me the most joy. So I’m going to keep reading my book and get rid of more stuff and really begin to look at my life through the lense of joy.

Have a great day , All!

Bridger with his favorite book, Where the Red Fern Grows.

Over the last several months I have been reading a lot about story, calling, passion and the art of being who you are. One of the most recent books I have read on this subject is a book by Donald Miller called, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. It’s kind of an older book and he as written at least two that I know of since then but I loved it because of how he explained story and what it means to live your story. You see, a good story has to have adversity, conflict, an antagonist, protagonist, adventure etc. to make the story interesting. You want the main character to overcome something against all odds. One of the illustrations in the book was the fact that you would never go to a movie about a guy buying a volvo. It’s boring there is no challenge, no reason to root him on or a desire to see him succeed.  I loved that because it reminds me that in order for my life story to be interesting and worth telling that I have to go through stuff and so do you. Think about all of the great books you have read and the movies you have watched. Why did you like them? What made them great?

Now take a step back and look at your life. It’s the, grief, adventures, failures, funny moments and disappointments that have made your story unique and worth sharing with others. We all have a story. Where have you been? What have you walked through? In my 45 years here on this earth I have walked through the loss of loved ones, parental divorce, miscarriages, financial troubles and now breast cancer. Those are the things that happened to me. I won’t even begin with the long list of choices that I have made in my lifetime that have created the adversity that I had to overcome. I also took off on my own when I was 20 and lived in Mexico for a year. I learned Spanish by just talking until someone figured out what I was trying to say. (I hate to be left out of a conversation 🙂 )  In the end each one of those things as well as many others has shaped me and molded me into the person I am today. Fortunately, I also asked Jesus to live in my heart at a young age and although I spent my teens and early twenties pretending that I didn’t know Him, he  has never forgotten me or failed to welcome me back when I decided that it was time to come home. Because I have Jesus I have never been alone in any of my struggles or adventures and I also know that my personal story is a small part of the bigger story that He is playing out for the whole world.

My story, your story, our lives are in the midst of a bigger story and we all have a role to play. God uses our stories to help others along in their journeys. Now I am going to admit something here that is not very Christian like or even biblical… I think the suffering part sucks. In the book of James, chapter one, verse two it says, “Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it opportunity for great joy.” I can assure you that I was not joyful when my brother in law died, or when Aimee died or when I lost my babies or when I was diagnosed with cancer. I can even say with a fair amount of certainty in my heart that Jesus was not joyful when he was hanging there on that cross. The difference is that he could see the other side of his circumstances and because of that made the decision to suffer and we in our humanness cannot see the other side of suffering until we have walked through it.

Fortunately life isn’t all about suffering, we have all had adventures and great experiences that we can weave into our hard times and these are what make life worth living and your story worth telling. There are the funny moments as well, like when my wig blew off my head and out of the car window a few weeks back and we had to flip a U Turn on a busy road to go back and get it…  Each experience good or bad makes us stronger and better equipped to handle the road ahead.

A month or so ago I went to an open house for the new cancer center being built here in our town. I was introduced to some ladies from the American Cancer Society and I got so excited about volunteering to help newly diagnosed cancer patients to navigate the system and get plugged into the right places. I was surprised at  how passionate I became over it. I haven’t felt passionate about anything in so long that I was beginning to fear that I would never have the ability to be passionate about anything again. I met a lady named Mary at the fair last week while we were there with my daughter’s 4H animal. She is a 10 year breast cancer survivor and shared a bit of her story with me. There is an instant connection with someone who can relate to what you are going through even if your experiences are a bit different. My sister emailed me a few days ago and wants to connect me with a lady she knows who went through this and is now a counselor for breast cancer patients. These things are so encouraging to me because it means that I can help. I have a story. I can use it to help make other peoples  lives a little easier. Am I glad I got cancer? No. Has it changed me? Yes. Am I sooo over being bald? Yes. One day at at time, I keep telling myself. My story is continually unfolding. As is yours…