Victoria’s Secret…

So I turned 47 this week. FORTY SEVEN!! On the one hand since I spent all of 2015 trying to stay alive so it’s really great that I am still here. On the other hand FORTY SEVEN! None of my 40ish birthday’s have affected me like this one. Well, to be honest, I thought I was handling my 40th birthday well until I looked back on the photos of my 40th year and noted the hair issues I had. I think I changed my hair color 4 times that year. Other than my year of baldness my 40th hair year definately ranks up there with one of the worst hair years ever.

I didn’t realize I was struggling with getting a year older until I stepped into a Victoria’s Secret store the other day. See, in a fit of rage after my cancer diagnosis I threw all of my bras away. Not that I could have used them any longer because my body has changed so much, but tossing them out made me feel empowered in the moment so I went with it. All this to say, for Christmas, Mr. Wonderful gave me a gift certificate to Victoria’s Secret so I could replenish my stash.

I had my last surgery in December and he wanted me, when I was ready, to be able to go and purchase myself some new pretty things. Let’s not kid ourselves here though, I am very aware that there is a small part of him that is wanting to relive the glory days of when we were 1st married and all of my bras and underwear matched and looked crisp and clean. What he doesn’t know is I went and spent my life savings at Victoria’s Secret a week before our wedding so that he would think always having a matching set was normal and in no way had it been 5 years since the last time I had purchased a new bra. I’m exaggerating a bit here but you get my drift.

The nearest Victoria’s Secret to our home is 2.5 hours away. I was in Eugene the other day for a Dr. visit and I went to the mall to pick up a few things. As I passed the in the Victoria’s Secret store I decided to stop in and have a look around. This particular store has just been remodeled, everything is flashy and big, all of the models are thin and small. Don’t get me wrong I love how pretty some of the things are in there but at the same time I was beginning to think that maybe their only clientele these days is 18 with no children. Certainly not women whose breasts/gel packs are so deformed only a husband who loves her could look at them and still think she is beautiful.

As I walked through the store my eyes started to fill with tears at the prospect of having to come back and try anything on. I was grateful that I had a bit more time to wait for the horrible day that is coming. I begin to contemplate how much wine or shots of tequila it would take to make me enjoy this process. Yes, I am that mature. Not stupid enough to follow through but immature enough to dream about it. Do 47 year olds even shop at Victoria’s Secret? How can a person be so thankful to be alive and so discouraged about getting older? I’m sure it has a bit to do with the fact that like most people I thought my life would look a little different at this stage of the game. I thought I would have a bit more figured out and life wouldn’t still feel so turbulent. At the same time I am thankful that I get more time with Mr. Wonderful and our kids so one day soon I will buck up and take my lumpy self back to the store and buy some bras… but not today.

Have a fabulous day my friends!

 

 

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