Purpose.

On our way to 2nd Chemo!

I have noticed a theme that has emerged from a few of my blog posts. The theme is a word that has significance for me for that day or week or it may even be a word that I have been thinking about for a long time. Well, for today it’s purpose. I think that most people would like to believe that they are on this earth for a purpose, that there is a reason for the breath that they take in and out every single day. Obviously that is too big of a topic to cover in a simple blog post but it is something that I think about a lot. Not just in the scope of my whole life but what is my purpose for today? For this moment?

About a year ago I downloaded a book to my kindle called It’s Your Call by Gary Barkalow. It’s a book about finding your calling in life. I began it and then life got busy so I set it aside. In January I picked it back up as I have had a bit more time on my hands… Gary provided an illustration about people on vacation on a cruise ship and  how the weather went south, the food was bad and how everyone was crammed together under the deck to stay out of the storm. Tempers were flaring and people were disjointed because their dream vacation had been ruined. Then the author changes the perspective a bit. This time the people on the ship were not vacationers but rather soldiers on their way to fight in battle. When the weather got bad they were grateful for the camaraderie under the deck. The food was terrible but they were grateful that they had food to eat. They were eager to get off the ship but it was for the chance to fight and do their part in the bigger war.

I set my book down and realized that I have been living my life as one of the vacationers instead of one of the soldiers. I like smooth sailing and warm sunshine on my face (I know this sounds like a major contradiction since I live on the Oregon Coast. But work with me here.) I like to laugh and drink drinks with little umbrellas in them. I like fun! But the reality is which one is really getting the most out of life in that moment? The vacationer or the soldier? The soldier is hunkering down with people, laughing, swapping stories about their lives, sharing in the nervous anticipation of what is to come. They are grateful for what is being provided and are excited about their part in the adventure to come. I want to be a soldier.

Let’s face it, suffering sucks. No one likes to suffer, but every single one of us does. Some more than others but we all suffer. I am learning that in the midst of the suffering is where you become who you were meant to be. All of the blinders come off. There is no pretending. You are just raw. Some days you can’t even move or think because the pain in your body is too great for movement and the fog in your brain is too great to comprehend even the words in a simple book. Those days you just want to scream, “God! What am I doing here? I am a useless nothing and I am serving no purpose whatsoever in this moment! This is so stupid! I want to do SOMETHING!!” Then that day passes and you realized that what you learned is that you can help someone else when they reach their useless point. (Audio books and coloring have become my new best friends)

Hangin in there! I feel like I have the forever flu… But no puke! (:

Restless: Because You Were Made For More by Jennie Allen is another book that I have been working through lately and she too had this great section about suffering. It was so great that I texted it to my dad who is walking his own very difficult journey lately.