All Good Things Must Come to an End…

6th Chemo

Chemo #6 With Nat!

Well, the glorious day finally arrived! Chemo #6! Dad came up for this last one and took Bridger to the Bandon Animal Park, I love how Dad is cool like that.  We took Natalie as she had an appointment for her very 1st pair of pointe shoes and headed up to Eugene. Whoop! Whoop!

After 20 weeks, 6 rounds of chemo, a hospital stay, buckets of tears and more side effects than I care to mention, Mr. Wonderful really wanted me to feel like this…


When the reality is that I felt like this…

Yes, last chemo is exciting but the end doesn’t end on that last infusion day. There is still a week and a half of laying in bed or on the couch, wishing that this would all just go away. Then there is the several weeks of still feeling bad but able to function for a few hours a day. The end really doesn’t come for 4 to 5 weeks after.  Hopefully by this time I can taste things once again and my stomach will settle down, and then I will do this…

As this part of my cancer adventure comes to an end I have spent a bit of time reflecting on what has happened over the last several months and how I have dealt with it. The most interesting thing that I have discovered is that I have become the opposite of me. It’s not a permanent condition because I like me and I miss me. The real me has a fairly large personality, I love to be around people, I love to laugh and to make others laugh with me. I tend to talk a lot and if I am nervous or uncomfortable, I talk even more. What has happened over the last 7 months though is that I have become very quiet, I don’t go out much and most of my friends are wondering if they are ever going to see me again. Being bald and having your body and mind infused with toxic chemicals just does something to a person. I am also not very good at pretending that this doesn’t suck. I hear a lot of people tell me that I am strong and they can’t believe how well I am doing. I don’t feel strong.

The reality is that the cute me and the sassy me have been very few and far between. It takes time and effort to pretend that you feel that good. Cute and sassy only last  for the hour or two that I am in public and then I come back home and be the me that feels the most comfortable right now. I don’t pretend at home. I just be my bald self and pray for the day when all of this is just a distant memory.

As of today it has been three weeks since chemo #6. Each day gets a bit better, I have begun walking more and have gone back to Pilates class. I am amazed at how much muscle mass I have lost. Fingertips and toes are still numb, the nausea is hangin around but I think I might be gaining some taste back. Yes! I’m not quite ready for my Jimmy Fallon dance yet but I am really ready to get back to being me. The me that can connect the words in her brain to come out of her mouth correctly. The me that laughs easily and talks way to much. I miss me… 3 weeks and counting.



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