Beginning Again… (Part 2)

Cancer Nite

The truth is that by the time I got diagnosed with cancer I was very worn out. All of the heavy lifting in our business came at the great cost of not having as much time or energy with the kids and a home that felt constantly in disarray. I was living in a world where I felt I could never measure up. I wasn’t 100% anywhere. Not at home, not with the kids and not at the office. When I first got diagnosed I chatted with several breast cancer survivors and they kept assuring me that as hard as this was going to be to walk through that rest assured at some point my life would go back to the way it was. The more I heard that the more I realized that I didn’t want life to go back to the way it was. I was too busy, too uninvolved with my kids, life was slipping by and I was missing it.

While I was laying on the couch staring at the wall last year I began to dream about what I could do that still allowed me to be passionate about people and helping them to become better versions of themselves and still allowed me to be around for the kids and at home tending to the stuff that keeps things running smoothly. Because more than I want anything else I want my kids to know that they are loved by God and that they are loved by us. If I am too busy to be able to demonstrate that love in tangible ways then in the end it doesn’t matter how many people I have helped if the ones that are the most important to me get left in the dust in the process.  I assumed that by the time I finished treatments I would have it all figured out, that this big plan for the next season of my life would just drop out of the sky and I could run with it. Well it’s the end of January and the “big plan”  hasn’t emerged. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not still sitting on the couch. I am helping in the office for a few hours a couple days a week, I’m running (5 miles is the goal tomorrow.. I’m a touch nervous about this.. ) as well as doing pilates. I’m in a bible study, I’ve come up with a good schedule for keeping the house clean and the laundry under control, the no grain eating plan keeps me hopping, the kids both have big projects for school that I am helping them with and then there is my blog. So it’s not as if I am doing nothing but is it enough?

I was laying in bed the other night chatting with Mr. Wonderful and I was frustrated because, I started. I stepped out. I stepped way outside my comfort zone and tackled something really huge and then I got taken out of the game, sidelined. Everything is different now, I feel different and I look different. I am wrestling with being ok with right where I am. Is it ok that every single hour of my day is not crammed with activity? Yes. Is it ok that I am still having a hard time presenting the new me to the world? Yes. Do I get to be gracious towards those who don’t understand and probably never will? Yes. But I am still dreaming and I am still passionate about my kids, entrepreneurs, podcasts, books, cooking and quiet times and  maybe on my road to figuring out what’s next for me as I share what I am learning, how I am growing, what’s working and what’s not… you will figure out what’s next for you.

And They Ran…

Have a great day, All!